I really wish this was made up – but it is all totally true...unfortunately
I did promise myself on New Year’s Eve that I would rejoin Match.com if I hadn’t met anyone by my 38th birthday.
Today was that day so GirlieSunflower was brought back to life. I had a slow start, had to block a couple of nutters, but then Mr Financial Advisor got in touch who was from Oldham and sounded just like Peter Kay.
After exchanging messages, texts and phone calls, I arranged to meet this complete stranger by a lake on Saddleworth Moor in the evening. He had passed my usual online checks – 192.com and I had Googled his business and Street Viewed his house - you have to check with online dating!
Mmm first impressions - nice face, better looking than profile (that was a nice surprise), glasses but polo shirt (stripy) and very casual pale blue jeans - not a correct look for a Saturday evening.
We go into the pub and in between chewing his gum, started to chat. He then explained he 'fancied a couple of beers' and was leaving his car in the car park and catching the train back to his mum and dad’s in Manchester. Er so how do we get to the restaurant? 'We'll go in your car' he says. Not happy - we have only just met.
Anyhow chit chat continued and after the drink, we go to my car which surprisingly all 6 foot of him fitted in. 'So which is your car?' I ask. He then scans down the row of cars, spotting a 59 plate Merc and says 'that silver Merc is mine'. Alarm bells ring - you don't leave a Merc in a pub car park near Rochdale but anyway...
We get to the restaurant which was nice but a typical noisy Italian, serving food at hundred miles per hour. We ordered our garlic bread, starters and mains and he ordered a bottle of wine plus a pint of lager.
The conversation was stalling with lots of silences and when I did talk to him, he kept looking around the room. Rude! At 9.30 he asked for the bill and said 'shall we go for another drink'. Well I had already made my mind up that The Spark had failed to make an appearance but just to be polite, agreed.
He fishes a very plain blue Co-op debit card out of wallet. It is processed but the waitress advises him it is out of date. So a second Co-op card is produced which is refused. A third Co-op card is produced and the machine advises the waitress to retain the card.
He is flapping, apologising so I said - 'well let’s go Dutch - I'll put £20 in and you do too'. So we did and made our escape. The waitress was delighted with her 38p tip. He then asks me to drive him to a cash machine which promptly swallows and retains said card. We then went to the pub where he got another pint and I bought my own diet Coke.
We sat down and he says
'You don't want to see me again, do you?’
'No, I feel there is no spark' I said.
After tons of apologies about the money he then says,
'I feel really bad about you having to pay half, I'll put the money in your account on Monday (it's Bank Holiday) if you give me your bank details'!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I nearly fell off the chair.
'Er sorry, but I'm not going to do that, just forget it'.
He then said:
'You look really uncomfortable (you don't say!), get yourself off and I'll get on the train with no ticket and if I get stopped, my mum and dad live next door to station and they'll give me some money'.
Yes, right, trains stop all the time just to wait for you to nip home and get some money and come back.
I swiftly got in car, locked doors and watched Peter Kay walk down the street. Phewww!
I of course got a text 30 mins later 'I am a genuine guy, honest!’