Those who have known me for a few years will know exactly who this character is. He is also known as ‘Jackanory’, ‘Marrow’, ‘Tosser’, ‘Billy Liar’ and ‘Village Idiot’ by various friends and colleagues.
His rite of passage was 1995 – 2008 (on and off). We were engaged twice though I only have one engagement ring as I sold the first for a Dyson vacuum and after our last parting, I hoped our paths would not cross until last Saturday...
I was picking up some groceries in Tesco when Mum phoned. ‘Get back to the shop, there’s something here for you’ she said breathlessly. I hot-footed it down Albion Street in excitement and when I burst through the door, there was a woman standing with a huge bunch of flowers – all lilies and roses and those rather obscene, suggestive orchid things.
‘Oh gosh, are they for me?’ and ripped open the rather tasteful black calling card, hands shaking a bit. Are they from Single Dad, Robbie Williams or the Gardener, or, oh no God forbid – the Dog Collar Man from Oxfam who has taken a fancy to me?
As soon as the note fell out, I recognised the writing. Bloody Numpty – ah well, lovely flowers, won’t waste them. He walks his dog/only friend past my house every day so I displayed them in the window as an acknowledgement.
We now go forward to Tuesday when Strict Woman Who Once Worked At Lloyds TSB came in. She’s a bit scary but a good customer. We make general chit-chat then she says:
‘Beautiful flowers you had delivered on Saturday’.
‘Yes, just a shame who they were from – my slimy ex'.
‘Is he not nice?’
‘Nah – he’s a right womanising, cheating, lying turd – he sniffs round every couple of years but this time, no way’ I retorted and cut the ham off the bone with a triumphant flourish and a defiant thrust of the chin. ‘I could write a book on him, but I won’t bore you’.
‘The problem is... he’s been dating my sister in law for a year’.
Cue rolling of small bale of hay and awkward silence...
‘Oh shit – I had no idea of the connection’.
‘No you won’t do but I need to talk to my husband about this and HEADS WILL ROLL!
Isn’t it fab when you wait for years for righteousness and it finally happens?
Other happenings – I got an email from Match.com ‘Girliesunflower we are missing you – look at the fabulous men on offer in West Yorkshire’ and out of the thousands of men in offer, Single Dad was one of the six featured but he still hasn’t got back to me about when we are going on the date.
The only other thrill I had this week was visiting a bodybuilding gym with one of my male friends – I was the only girl with 30 sweaty men – only £20 a month and this is actually cheaper than Match.com so should I gym it or Match.com it again?